Drifting...

I haven’t even figured out how my life will work after I finish college. Seems like people I know have very much seen me taking a new path, leading a new life while myself is still floating in nowhere. I can’t see the other side of the wall, I’m not even standing at a crossroads. I am stuck to where I am right now for I wasn’t able to see my future in the past. What I had only seen definite is I am going to finish college. My goals haven’t leaped that stage until now. Maybe because I didn’t fulfill my goal: to finish with laude standing. Instead what had become of me: a chairperson whom I never expected I am capable to do. It was only recently that I realized that I didn’t even be a chairperson before besides GSP. In the classroom, I wasn’t even given a chance to hold a position. All they know is I am someone with brains. But I lack the leadership skills. Then someone expected me to run for finance committee head in stat council and later I become the head of the stat graduating committee finance. Thank God for those people who had seen me in a different angle and for their beliefs that I do have a chance to lead them.

College days are over. I now have my life. I got the education, the experience, yet I still haven’t been able to move on. I feared the first day of work, the treatment I will get at work, the capacity of work I will have to handle. What I know is I am in search for new responsibilities. The only thing I don’t know is where. One thing I am sure, I don’t have plans. The picture is like this. I am superman who will be there wherever help is needed and I am needed. I know I can do things what others will tell me to do. It’s also the idea of a slave. What I know is I don’t own my life, someone should be driving it. I am only following orders. My life had been like that ever since. Now that I am given a chance to drive it, I feel lost, without any hint of what it’s going to be. All is black, I can’t see an open road. Maybe if I will just be strong and persuasive, some roads may make way for me.

Watching TV had given me choices. I can be a chef or a baker. I tried baking, I think I can go in there but cooking meals failed me. I even regretted for not taking home economics electives. Maybe I can establish a bakery, I can make breads and pastry. I want to be a drag racer but I can’t even get a driver's license. If only I have the looks and sing in front of people. And my mind still not absorbing the fact that people can be millionaire before 25. I want to be counted as one but I think money can’t just pop up within 4 years. I did research on how they’d done that. It seems that you have to be famous, good-looking and have some talent that stand out from the rest. So, where do I start, even the simple question of “What’s your hobby” I can’t even mouth the answer. Nothing interests me. I don’t collect things, I am not a fan of this and that, and I am not good at something. Where do I start?

I strongly believe that money is just a tool. But now I want to be rich. What had gotten into me? I fear that I might walk away from earth without leaving prints and going unnoticed. I have few friends and acquaintances. Not enough to say that I had been a part of their lives. They will only know someone whose name is Ychel or Bossing. I want to touch other people’s lives. I want to see their kind of life. I want to experience everyone’s way of life. I want to be invisible and watch how they spend their day. I am bad at emotions and socializing. So, how again can it be possible? I want to help people, be an inspiration and learn from others. But I am trapped in my own world in which I don’t even know if there is an existing key. I see that in every aspect of life, you should be good at something to achieve results. You can’t just walk in it without any knowledge or ability. It’s a give-and-take process. Everything you gain comes from something you have invested. You can’t succeed if you got nothing to start with. You start from scratch and develop your way through it. Don’t throw away anything that you gained along the way for they might be needed in the future. I need to learn my craft. And I put it to You, God, to show me some light and let me start there. Help me as I blindedly walk in it. And when I am ready please don’t let me forget where I had been.

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Friendship is a Cycle

Many people say true friends
are hard to find
But I know I'm not that kind
They come and go and
sometimes leave us behind
Like a wind that passes by

Chorus
(Cause)When you need a friend
That you can depend
You can count on me because
you're my best friend
When you're feeling down
And your heart is hurt
You can call on me and
i'll be there for you friend

Good things may come and then
bad things may go
Like a birth a long time ago
You're like the ship that's sailing
across the sea
To the waves that's so unkind
-You're My Best Friend Lyrics by Nelson Del Castillo

When I was able to read, this was the first song that I learned to sing along. I remember
performing it in front of my uncles and aunties. They insisted that I should try singing this for them. I had the lyrics on my hand and started following the voice from the stereo. This is my first known unchildren song. By that time I wasn’t aware of what the content is all about and the word bestfriend is unfamiliar to me. Years had passed and I heard the word once again from Tessa, my classmate in Grade I, yet again I don’t know what it means. She gave me a gift because when her mother asked her who her bestfriend is, she mentioned my name. It was her who showed me that you can give gifts to anybody in any reason you want; that gift-giving is not limited to close family relations only. She was the one who gave meaning to word. I didn’t know that time that someone was considering me as their friend, not just a playmate or a classmate, but someone whom they want to share stories, learn things and play games with.

At age 7, I only know the kids around me as kalaro or classmates and our connections end once the game or the class ends. It was due to her that I started changing my perspective towards others. I began to recognize people as persons who have unique characteristics. The belief that there is somebody out there whom I can trust and share moments with (besides my family) started to develop. Later on, it made me realize that behind friendship, there’s commitment, understanding and concerns. That through friendship, you are building up foundations to be part of other’s lives and let others be part of yours as well. Looking back to my gift-giving moment with Tessa, you may be convinced that the word bestfriends is inappropriate for us at our age. But I can say that she was indeed a bestfriend to me, for it was her who showed me that this world knows feelings, importance, manners and relationships. She knocked on my life and made me realize that my world does not revolve only in school or at home, there’s a lot of people around me and a bunch of them are going to be part of my life; that soon I will be accountable to the lives of others as well. But there’s one thing I failed to realize earlier, that is, in every relationship there’s a time limit, they don’t last forever. Yes, lots of people are around me but they don’t stay long on their place, they move and they are capable of change. Someday, one will find out that the people he had known no longer exist in his life. Some can leave traces that will soon be forgotten and only few marks can last a lifetime; some tracks will be lost and never be redeemed again. Whatever happened, the only connection you can have is the memories. Their names and their faces will hardly be remembered. But the good thing about this friendship cycle is that new people are always around and there lies a big chance of finding someone who is willing to fill the empty post.

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Wanted: Driver

In this fast-paced world, it seems that my life is having a slow-mo. I am now sliding down from my high-peaked life. It seems that I have drained my expectations for the future. With no hopes nor dreams, my life afloat. Options are not at stake, dreams are vanishing in thin air, and what is worse, my vision of tomorrow is blank. There’s no way I can say that I am in control or others are taking responsibility. I long for a driver. I am not capable of making decisions of my own. For every successful move I make, I don’t see myself; what I see is the face of those person who made those decisions for me. I can go on my own but I need some push, a remainder that there is someone else who is relying on me. I had always led my life for the benefit of others but now that I am no longer needed, I had become idle. I am born to serve and a life on my own is not what I want. So, please, my Captain out there, take charge on my life until I am ready; before I duck out of history and go unnoticed. I am missing the tensions, the social life, and most of all, the everyday changing world. I know that I am worth more than my past life, that my future will be much more different if I figure out my starting mark. Lead me Lord.

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It is for Freedom

We all want freedom: freedom from our parents, spouse, children, friends or our vices. We all want to feel that no one is in control of our lives. We see freedom as the greatest privilege one can have. But we all made a mistake regarding this idea. We believe that alongside freedom is free will. Free to do everything, free to express what we have in mind, free to act on our own. What we fail to realize is that freedom is not granted to us to enable us to live a life of our own. For life is walk guarded by rules and it is our misconception on freedom that blinds us of these rules. Rules are set to guide us, to make sensible decisions, and to straighten our path even if we hold the freedom ticket. The ability to do what is right and not to do what we feel right is the true meaning of the word, freedom. In every way we take, the rules serve as our assistant. So, why bother with your own feelings? The moment you set foot on this earth, you have are expected to comply with the existing rules. The rules might have changed but it is always there and it is set by the Almighty, so don’t mess them!

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