Feb 28, 2014

Realizations at 25

They say life is a long journey where you meet a lot of people along the way. When I say a lot, it's really a lot. But when that happens, do you really get to know those "a lot" really well? Only few of those people get a chance to be part of your long journey. So, treasure them.

But can someone get tired of those lot? I hope not. We just extend our networks and still keep the old ones. It's the time where you want to explore more, get out of your circle and gain more friendship. That's what I would surely do. Extend my presence in the lives of others. That's why I chose my field in the first place, right?

I think I have lost focused in that previous goal lately, I became stranded to just being alone, where I still enjoy though, seems funny huh? But time is passing too fast, and come this year, I just woke up that I am 25 already. And now I am rushing things to cope up with reality; I enrolled to school to gain a master's degree and keep my workplace. I want to know new people again, gather inspiration and beat life's experiences. I might been held in the cage for quite a few years now and swam in that little space wherein there is a bigger world outside.

So, hello again WORLD! I will conquer you again with lots of pictures to shoot and stories to tell.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012
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The Girl I See

I'm a teacher and I love this job. I like to surf the net and read, I like chocolate ice cream and feel-good movies. These are not the things I have just discovered, though some of them were hidden for me for a time.

I've stopped being surprised by myself in the mirror. I know that face, the color of those eyes and the fall of hairs. Now my reflection shows someone I recognize, even if I'm still learning who she is.

There are many things I don't know, but quite a few I do. I know you can't be lost if you know where you are. I know that life is full of precious and fragile things, and not all of them are pretty. I know that the sun follows the moon and makes days, one after another. Time passes. The world turns, and we turn with it, and though we can never go back to the beginning, sometimes, we can start again. 

 Wednesday, August 29, 2012
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Silver Year

Celebrating 25 years of loving and goodness. Thank You, Lord for letting me enjoy the world this long. Hope to see more of it soon.

 Tuesday, April 17, 2012
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Forever Young...

They don't deserve to die at a very young age. They haven't experienced what life is.
 Is there a proper time to die? So, death should only be applicable to oldies? Why then is God taking away lives of babies and kids? Did He made a mistake of putting them on earth or did He changed His plans? I think it is not for us people to say "They don't deserve to die, yet." It's God who commanded it, why battle against His decisions?

I think we live not because we have to experience life. We are here because our existence have purpose. Oh, yes, we are so familiar with this. But do we really care about our purpose? Once we go on with our lives, we are misguided by our belief that we are here to enjoy. Sometimes death of others is the only way to shaken us. Sometimes I think other' s purpose is to die just to help others know their own purpose. Isn't it great to know that God is using you for the sake of some people. Your death brings life to a dying soul. Well, you are not Christ who brought millions of souls to life. Yet, you can be like Him.Through your death you made a person realized that they are moving away from their purpose.

It's not the time nor the experience, it's fulfilling what you are intended to do on this world. It's like living for others to also live. It may be death, illness, accident, or just simple favors. What matter is you are seeking your purpose and where it leads you doesn't matter at all. Our lives are interrelated, right?

While we enjoy life, let's also give space for the fulfillment of why we are here.

 Monday, December 19, 2011
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Revisiting the Timeline

Today, I'll show some entries in my journal. Maybe readers can help me analyze what had happened to my life starting from the year I've been part of the academe.

March 25, 2009 (Not yet in the academe, no work)
Auntie Zeny asked me to compose a valedictory speech for a prep student. I don't think it's easy because it will be addressed in front of so many people. So, I rummaged to our previous speeches. I can still remember some of the words especially my elementary graduation speech. I remember singing a part of it in front of the crown and say "tsk.. tsk.. tsk.." for the sound of the lizard part. I also requested the batch to participate in my speech. But when I will be asked to do it again, I will surely do it with confidence and more energetic.

The line in which I am still familiar in my speech is the,
Someday when I am older, Whatever I may become, Wherever fate may bring me
I thought I was delivering that line as if coming from my heart. I was so hopeful for my future that time. I so believe that once I am done studying, I can help my parents. I can live a better life and I can make my family's dreams come true. But as time went by, it started to fall apart, I began to face reality. I become part of the real world. Even if I am well aware that I can do it but if circumstances won't allow, it will not work. I began to fade out from this world with no imprints left behind. Within the last two years, I have laughed less. My future became blurred. When all my classmates started seeing their future, mine started to turn white, it blinds me. I stopped, I don't know where to go, where are the opened doors. I kept asking God my next goal, but still I don't hold the answer.

Most people's goals was to earn money. Money that can help improve their lives, to replace their happiness they had sacrificed along the way to gain it, and to create the dummies of themselves and the people whom they missed. Isn't it feels good already that we live in our own way, feel the emotions of human nature and not worry? I may be called a loser for this, very contemporary and conservative. Well, it's just me being tired of the pre-determined life where everything must be standard. I am a non-conformist, I want to live the life I want. I hope that someday is not today for I am still a nobody right now. I pray that my way be clear, that my life heads the jumpstart and that I may reached my destination before my time runs out.

July 3, 2010
If I can help it, I seldom lie. And if I lie, it's barely noticeable. I believe in stories of people. Everybody has one.
It's been more than a year since my last entry. I now have a job, something I haven't expected I will be doing, that is being a teacher. I had survived a year doing it and now still counting for more semesters to come. I had been to new relationships, met new people and experience rare things. For being part of that campus is such a good year to be treasured. I dealt with older people, childish and mature. But I can't say that I had met people from all walks of life. I wasn't put in so much pressure which I am missing from college days. It's a moderate job. Yes, there were challenges but it wasn't much. I think I used to call myself workaholic during college.

My year in Entienza had showed me that life is not what I had thought, that we are here to serve the Lord, be somebody and be felt by people around us. There are people who live seeing the reality, always saying what he's doing is the practical way. There are people who find solutions to their problem but still continue to commit the same problem. It's a never-ending process of ups and downs. There are people who don't care what others may feel. But of course, good-hearted people still exist.

I don't know what people had seen in me. I had been a shock-absorber. I wasn't that type, pretty sure about that. But how come they see me as one? What had grown in me? I know I am still young and not ready to face the seriousness of life. I only want to be an observer and not the one of the actors. As the saying goes,
I am old enough to know but too young to care.

November 28, 2010
It seems nothing had changed in my life except that I had gained so much weight. Did I become happier? I had gained new company. But can I ever be with them for long? Can we call our relationships friendship already or are we just like this because we only have each other in Tabugon? We live our separate lives when we are not in school. But when we are together, we laugh a lot and enjoy the days that gone by. We already shared a semester together but I still think that they are still strangers to me, no emotional attachment, no background checkups, just accepting them based on what we see and feel. We just enjoy, nothing deep. Maybe it's what we call professionalism. Or maybe, I just had been so passive.

To summarize, my life has gone to hoops and loops but I am proud that I haven't fell with a loud bang. I might have slipped but I am holding on to what I believe that good things are coming.

October 23, 2011
A friend has a birthday today. Seeing him in FB, I can say that he had achieved much of his dreams. He's part of a good bank, he can be with his family whenever he want, he still plays the piano, and still the kind-hearted person I had known way back. He's still the epitome of the guy whom I want to spend my life with. Can I really find someone like him?

Though God had shown me some hint on my future partner, I am not convinced that he is the one for me. There is so much going on now and sometimes I want to quit and go to a different place and start again. Maybe next year, my life will restart. I don't know if I am going to keep things and the people that I gained. I will surely meet new ones and from those I hope I can find someone who is willing to help me organize my life again and uplift me the better person in me. 
Sunday, December 18, 2011
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On Being a Teacher

What do you want to be when you grow up?

People had asked me that many times when I was small. But I haven't any clue on what I wanted to be. So, to just answer it, I'll say "I want to be an accountant". And I have lived being good with numbers.

Then came college entrance test. I still don't know what course to take. I took the advice of my Mom's friend that since I have a growing curiosity over electronic things, maybe I should take ECE. So, I checked the ECE course in UP as my first choice and Statistics as my second choice. Then came the result, I passed the ECE course but I was in the waiting list. I don't want to wait anymore for the new ECE students vacate their slots so I enrolled in the BS Statistics Program. And thank God I did that because ECE course in UP has a high mortality rate on which I am unaware at that time. Maybe by this time, I am still in my college years, taking a different course.

I graduated as a statistician and it took me a year to decide on what job to take. I applied for a programmer and a bank statistician. I think I got cold-feet during the last days of my stay in Manila and decided to return to the province and wait for new companies to reply to my job applications. Many companies had called but I thought much on my future if I am going to stay in the city. With the kind of lifestyle that awaits me there and the not-so-enough salary to sustain my cravings, I decided to stay in the province and applied for a job in the Department of Education and later to the Camarines Norte State College. I stayed for a month in the DepEd and transferred to CNSC without thinking much of the future. I just want to experience having a job and maybe just having a low-profile for a while (hehehe).

It never occurred to me that I will be a teacher someday. I can only do tutorial classes and I thought that was enough to try this new life. So, I plunged myself in the academe without any clue of what lies in there. Luckily, the faculty was welcoming. But I had a hard time with the students. I was not accustomed to average to not so genius students. Most of my tutorial classes were composed of the top-ranking students though there were also times that I handled the lowest-ranking students to get back on tracks in their class. I can say that I had adapted to it. I managed to lower my level of expectations but it took me a long time. It was an achievement and I renewed for another semester and this was followed by more semesters. I can say that I had enjoyed what I did. Teaching had become a medium to accomplish my goal which is, to be existent in other people's life.

Sunday, June 12, 2011
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A Generous Gift

I asked God for a travel vacation, He gave me a tour abroad but I declined to pursue it; He then gave me short trips and I felt the warmth of the family I haven't been for so long.. It feels good to be reunited with the people you grew up with!

Thank God for showing me how passionate a family can be.

Saturday, May 28, 2011
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