Feb 28, 2014

Revisiting the Timeline

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Today, I'll show some entries in my journal. Maybe readers can help me analyze what had happened to my life starting from the year I've been part of the academe.

March 25, 2009 (Not yet in the academe, no work)
Auntie Zeny asked me to compose a valedictory speech for a prep student. I don't think it's easy because it will be addressed in front of so many people. So, I rummaged to our previous speeches. I can still remember some of the words especially my elementary graduation speech. I remember singing a part of it in front of the crown and say "tsk.. tsk.. tsk.." for the sound of the lizard part. I also requested the batch to participate in my speech. But when I will be asked to do it again, I will surely do it with confidence and more energetic.

The line in which I am still familiar in my speech is the,
Someday when I am older, Whatever I may become, Wherever fate may bring me
I thought I was delivering that line as if coming from my heart. I was so hopeful for my future that time. I so believe that once I am done studying, I can help my parents. I can live a better life and I can make my family's dreams come true. But as time went by, it started to fall apart, I began to face reality. I become part of the real world. Even if I am well aware that I can do it but if circumstances won't allow, it will not work. I began to fade out from this world with no imprints left behind. Within the last two years, I have laughed less. My future became blurred. When all my classmates started seeing their future, mine started to turn white, it blinds me. I stopped, I don't know where to go, where are the opened doors. I kept asking God my next goal, but still I don't hold the answer.

Most people's goals was to earn money. Money that can help improve their lives, to replace their happiness they had sacrificed along the way to gain it, and to create the dummies of themselves and the people whom they missed. Isn't it feels good already that we live in our own way, feel the emotions of human nature and not worry? I may be called a loser for this, very contemporary and conservative. Well, it's just me being tired of the pre-determined life where everything must be standard. I am a non-conformist, I want to live the life I want. I hope that someday is not today for I am still a nobody right now. I pray that my way be clear, that my life heads the jumpstart and that I may reached my destination before my time runs out.

July 3, 2010
If I can help it, I seldom lie. And if I lie, it's barely noticeable. I believe in stories of people. Everybody has one.
It's been more than a year since my last entry. I now have a job, something I haven't expected I will be doing, that is being a teacher. I had survived a year doing it and now still counting for more semesters to come. I had been to new relationships, met new people and experience rare things. For being part of that campus is such a good year to be treasured. I dealt with older people, childish and mature. But I can't say that I had met people from all walks of life. I wasn't put in so much pressure which I am missing from college days. It's a moderate job. Yes, there were challenges but it wasn't much. I think I used to call myself workaholic during college.

My year in Entienza had showed me that life is not what I had thought, that we are here to serve the Lord, be somebody and be felt by people around us. There are people who live seeing the reality, always saying what he's doing is the practical way. There are people who find solutions to their problem but still continue to commit the same problem. It's a never-ending process of ups and downs. There are people who don't care what others may feel. But of course, good-hearted people still exist.

I don't know what people had seen in me. I had been a shock-absorber. I wasn't that type, pretty sure about that. But how come they see me as one? What had grown in me? I know I am still young and not ready to face the seriousness of life. I only want to be an observer and not the one of the actors. As the saying goes,
I am old enough to know but too young to care.

November 28, 2010
It seems nothing had changed in my life except that I had gained so much weight. Did I become happier? I had gained new company. But can I ever be with them for long? Can we call our relationships friendship already or are we just like this because we only have each other in Tabugon? We live our separate lives when we are not in school. But when we are together, we laugh a lot and enjoy the days that gone by. We already shared a semester together but I still think that they are still strangers to me, no emotional attachment, no background checkups, just accepting them based on what we see and feel. We just enjoy, nothing deep. Maybe it's what we call professionalism. Or maybe, I just had been so passive.

To summarize, my life has gone to hoops and loops but I am proud that I haven't fell with a loud bang. I might have slipped but I am holding on to what I believe that good things are coming.

October 23, 2011
A friend has a birthday today. Seeing him in FB, I can say that he had achieved much of his dreams. He's part of a good bank, he can be with his family whenever he want, he still plays the piano, and still the kind-hearted person I had known way back. He's still the epitome of the guy whom I want to spend my life with. Can I really find someone like him?

Though God had shown me some hint on my future partner, I am not convinced that he is the one for me. There is so much going on now and sometimes I want to quit and go to a different place and start again. Maybe next year, my life will restart. I don't know if I am going to keep things and the people that I gained. I will surely meet new ones and from those I hope I can find someone who is willing to help me organize my life again and uplift me the better person in me. 
Sunday, December 18, 2011

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